As I got up today I was pondering at what point do I let go of the thoughts that I need my hair. I certainly don’t need it to live. If I was stuck on a deserted island I wouldn’t mind one bit if I had my hair. But unfortunately by nature people seem to be incredibly judgmental, so the fact that at I live in a populated society in contrast to the solitary island, my mind convinces me that without my hair I am somewhat less than.
Less than… Less than… Less than what? Less than a woman with hair? Sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud or write it down. Who I am, and all my qualities certainly amount to more than the sum of follicles attached to my scalp. And I know in my heart, I am not my hair. We all have our challenges to face in life, and this, in this moment, is mine. I can either submit to defeat or accept myself. I choose to accept myself, however hard it is each time I look in the mirror. But I get stronger all the time, and I know I will get though this and be a better person for it.
When I first started losing my hair 8 years ago, I used to pray and pray that I would recover completely from whatever ailment or messed up hormone was causing me to lose my hair and that it would all grow back. As the years went by my attitude changed and I started pray that I could just keep what I had and have it stop falling out. More years past, and I started pray that I could be given strength to mentally deal with my hair loss and move on. That is where I am today. Oh course I want my hair back, I always keep hope that things may turn around, but ultimately I really want to learn how to accept myself as I am, today.
At what point do we let go? For me, its been quite sometime that I’ve been working on letting go and accepting myself more and more. I never thought that I could have endured all the hair loss and pain and loss of self, that accompanies it. But I have, and I do. And I still have plenty of happy, smiling, laughing moments even with the the thin wisps of hair that I have left. Those moments remind me that I will be okay.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi,
Thank you for writing this blog. It made me cry as I can so relate to it. I am needing to get to a place of being ok with myself because of my thinning hair. It is so hard. Sometimes I feel like I am less than, and not pretty because of it. I like who I am on the inside, but not the outside. What makes it especially tough is that I would like to meet a a nice guy who can really see me and accept me for who I am on the inside and not just look at the outside. So I need to be in a place of accepting myself the way I am with my thinning hair and all! Thank you again.
PJC
Dear PJC, I just want to let you know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings, I think most everyone on this blog either currently feels that way has has at one point or another in their life about their hair loss. It makes me sad to hear your suffering, as I know first hand what hair loss does to a woman’s self image. I know it robs us of who we are and how want to portray ourselves to the world. It steals away our confidence. I know this. I also know that there comes a point of letting go and acceptance. After all what is the alternative? I don’t think I’m there 100%, but I’m so much better than I was years ago. I can accept I’m a woman with thin hair. I can accept I’ll never have the hair I once had. I can accept I’ll never be one of those women excited to go to the hair salon to try some new style. That just isn’t part of my life, but there are so many other wonderful things that are. Everyone has things they are forced to deal with in life, things they wish they didn’t…. I guess this mine. And I know that if I live my whole life and this was the worst thing that ever happened to me, then I’m probably pretty lucky.
It is hard to find the right words to say to be of comfort because I know how deep the hurt is. But I can say, even sharing is big step. Not keeping everything to yourself. I write this a lot but, I think eventually we find peace within ourselves and find it easier to move on. I try and work on that constantly. Earlier I asked “What is the alternative?” the alternative to acceptance is to not accept ourselves and live a life of sadness and seclusion. I don’t want to waste any more of life, I’ve spent the last 8 years, basically all of my 20s crying, missing out on social gatherings… Basically missed out on living. My greatest is fear is a wake up right before I die and realize I didn’t live at all and it was all because of my hair loss. We have limited control over our hair loss, but we have a lot of control on how we choose to deal with it. At this point I still feel I can get away with a ponytail to try and disguise my hair loss, however thin it is. When it is no longer sufficient I will have to either choose to shave my head or add hair. No decision is easy when it comes to dealing with our hair loss. And it takes baby steps to begin to accept ourselves. For the first several years after my hair loss began I kept hoping and praying it would ALL grow back. I don’t need that anymore. I just want enough to get by and look like a woman with naturally thin hair. If I have that I’ll be ecstatic. Tell yourself before you look in the mirror “I am beautiful” Tell yourself “I am not my hair.” I do this all the time. I think it helps send the message home to my mind to start believing it.
There are so many supportive women on this blog, you are not alone in this.
~Y