This is cross posted from my Facebook page, so if you follow me on Facebook this will be a double post for you 🙂
“Hi Hair, Yea — It’s Me… Remember Me? I carried you and loved you for 21 years, we were besties. And then just like that you decide to betray me, torment me for 13 years slowly falling out and leaving me helpless, hopeless, and withdrawn. You suck. You look look like crap, yea I said it. Crap. I’m done with you, I’m done crying over you, you’re not the only hair in town sweetheart oh no sir-eee. Maybe you’ve noticed I’ve been cutting you (quite literally) out of my life. I waited for you, I prayed for you, I fed my body medications to save you, and still you continued to do what you do… leave and fall to the floor, which often made me fall to floor. Well I guess you and me just weren’t meant to be. So I shall smoother you down each day with a crown of beautiful hair that quite frankly may be even prettier than you ever were. Oh yea, I went there. Anyways, just thought I’d like you know… we’re done.”
—-
At some point we HAVE to let go. We have to. I stopped myself from living and I hid from the world for over a decade, and when I did go out, I just wanted to run into a corner and cry. When forced to socialize I would put on my happy face and try to hide the pain I was feeling. It was a horrible way to live and I thought that would forever be my life. My greatest fear was waking up one day and I’d be 70 years old and I’d look back and realize I gave up my entire life for my hair, for mourning over it’s loss, that I would let it beat me down and rob me of living. That thought tormented me and haunted me as each year passed by and I stood idle, not making any positive changes towards actually moving on.
So I wear wigs now, SOOOO what! No one even cares, seriously. It’s only something I thought was a big deal, or built up in my mind to BE a big deal. Everyone I’ve told is like “Oh.. wow, looks good.. pass the salt” I should have chopped off my hair and worn wigs a long time ago!
Reclaim You. Do whatever that means you have to in your life, but reclaim you. Take back what’s rightfully yours… living.
XOXO
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
I so, SO desprately want to get to this place. I’ve needed to make this call for a long time. And yet, I keep “maybe if I’ing” myself to death. Maybe if I start using the minoxodil more faithfully, maybe if I start taking the Spiro twice a day again….after all, these things HAVE helped in the past. I can still make my hair look passable, but it’s still crappy. It still makes me FEEL crappy, it still makes me LOOK crappy, and I’m tired of my crappy life.
My daughter is almost ten years old, and severely autistic. This is obviously something I can’t *NOT* deal with. I keep telling myself that the hair loss is something I can DO something about – shave it off, get me some kick ass wigs, and rock on with my bad self. But this spiral has gone on so long, and I’m terrified – everyone will gossip about me, I’ll still look like crap except everyone will KNOW that I wear a wig…which is worse?
God, I’ve got to let it go. Literally.
What a freaking awesome blog!! I feel the same exact way!!
Standing Ovation! Bravo!! I could of wrote every word – I felt every word! I simply HAD to let go! You know what, nobody really does give a shit! even if someone gave a shit, I don’t care because: Those that matter don’t mind and those that mind don’t matter.
Was it my life long goal to lose my hair and wear wigs, umh NO! I can’t thank you and this site enough for literally saving me and showing me the way. I suffered and I mean suffered. The night before I shaved my head for the first time, I took a shower and as I washed the remaining hairs on my head that stuck to my fingers – I said, out loud: “Have fun bitch, because tomorrow, I take control”! When I dried my hair and looked at the floor – I said, that’s right – no longer will I have to go through this. You know what, my funny self is back, people like hanging with me and they don’t give a rats ass about my head! I have had so many more up days than down since I started wearing wigs and now I just see me. Thank you , thank you, thank you.
Be strong ladies, much love, peace and resolve to you all.
xxoo
@Angie T – I hate crappy, that was like my middle name for ever “Miss Y Crappy _____ ” <--- that's my invisible last name, I've already revealed too much with sharing my middle name 🙂 Seriously Angie, it takes time and in my case A LOT of time to get used to the idea or even being willing to accept the idea of wearing hair. I had to really get over… ME. Why was I resisting the idea of wearing hair? Why? I think I felt it was weird or not natural or it would never be as good as my own hair used to be. But then I realized my own hair isn't never going to be as good as it used to be, it was causing me so much anxiety to see my reflection in a public restroom bathroom mirror (my own bathrooms at home weren't an issue, it's amazing how well I adjusted to being able to put on my makeup in the dark!) I got to a point where I just had to "try." At least TRY. If it was god awful and miserable, well I could always package up the wig and stick it in the closest never to be seen again. The only thing that could suffer from me taking a chance was my pocket book, and that was a chance I was willing to take. Wearing hair takes acceptance, acceptance before you buy and acceptance to adjust and work with it after you buy. The longer you wear, the easier it gets. When you stand in the sun and smile knowing your thin hair isn't showing for all the world to see, or you go to a bathroom mirror and slowly force yourself to look in the mirror and see YOU, and not your thin hair, well it makes every and any negative issue with wearing hair, sooo nothing. When you're ready you'll get there, it's not an easy road.. I know. When you let go, and Lina (I see her comment below, will tell you) It feels wonderful, so liberating. When you just stop fighting the exhausting hair fight, and say "F U" to your hair and take back the control, you discover a whole new part of life again. I don't have any children and I can't even imagine how difficult it must be to raise a severely autistic child and deal with depression of hair loss. My heart goes out to you. I'm sending you big hugs and lots of love and know I'm always here, the ladies are always here to provide you the support you need, whenever you need. @DevastatedMe - 🙂 I'm glad you liked it! @Lina - Thank you for posting this! I love following your recent wig wearing journey and see you come ALIVE. When I read your story "25 Years Is a Life Sentence In Canada" and I read this post from you I get tears in my eyes. You're amazing! XOXO
YEAH! love it 🙂 This WILL be me because it has to be. I am too young to be unhappy for the rest of my life and have way too many things going for me. I will ge there. I will get there with the love of my family and friends and the support of this great place!
Oh, yeah! You tell the b*@tch! 🙂 How healing for you!
One thing you’ve really given me, Y, is the attitude that I am NOT letting my HL keep me inside and away from the world. Even though I think my hair looks like stringy CRAP most of the time, I am absolutely NOT letting this ruin my life. Right now, I’m more determined than ever to get out there and enjoy it.
As for my new hair (when it comes) I will be celebrating it and perhaps, I’ll make the same call then!
Thanks for showing us courage and a fighter attitude! We are the only ones who have the power to choose what kind of life we live: one with purpose, power and conviction or one where we are the VICTIM.
NO VICTIMS. #WINNING! 🙂
I’ve been wearing a wig for about 3 weeks now and I wish I felt as confident as admin. I think it’s all in how you look at the situation and I need an attitude adjustment big time. I see my wig as an obstacle I guess, plus I’m pissed that I feel I need to wear one. Plus I’m way too caught up in not letting anyone know, which I can tell is gonna get old real quick. It just leads to more anxiety. So far no one has really said anything except how great my hair looks. I say thanks and try to change the subject as quickly as possible. Then there’s all the hurdles I need to get through like skiing with my family this winter or sitting on the beach and going to the pool. What is that going to be like? How can I possibly do those things with this freakin thing on my head? I’m lacking confidence not because of how my wig looks on me (it’s a gorgeous Euro virgin hair from Flora) but because I feel like it will hold me back further. I need a wig therapist!!
You have a way with words. You expressed your hard earned wisdom so beautifully. You were able to put into writing what my heart has been thinking. Love your blond look.
Y – I’ve been using Toppik for the last few months. I consider it my “baby steps” into wearing hair. I have no illusions – I’m giving it six months of faithful minoxodil and spiro. If I haven’t seen some regrowth by then…I will take action towards wearing hair. That’ll put me right around my 40th birthday, and I started dealing with this in my late twenties.
The toppik helps immensely, you can’t see any scalp spots when I use it. But it’s still thin, crappy hair. And the stuff is messy, and expensive. My ultimate goal would be the Virtuesse system, someday. My problem with wigs is that I want to *live* with my hair. I don’t want it to come off, I don’t want anyone to *know*. I so, SO need to get over that, already. Cause you know what? The people who love me don’t care. The people who don’t can take a flying leap.
Please, just keep writing all these amazing posts. You have no idea what a source of inspiration you are too so many!
Y- you have seriously given me the strength to do this. I was showing one of my friends one of your videos and she said “oh my God that is you”. She can totally see me having your attitude and I do. I have spent so much money $60,000 on doctors etc. That would have bought a lot of nice Follea wigs:). I do have a few hang ups. I have kids and lots of school events. I keep saying I need to make this transition over a summer. Well….I think I might have to do it sooner. I guess I won’t know how it feels to be around a bunch of people wondering if they are staring at my head until I do it. Hell- I already think that so wtf!!!! Well I’m so excited to go to Follea. It has to be that for me. I am a hair stylist and I can spot fake hair from a mile. I am really hoping that it works for me. Thank for making me laugh, smile and cry. But mostly for the strength to do what was inside me all along. I forgot this girl existed. I was so beaten down by this that I lost myself. At this point I could be bald. Just bald!!! To teach my hair a lesson. Then I would CSI the house for every last hair until none were left. I’m SO sick of it!!!! Thank you. Your amazing and beautiful, inside and out:)
Thank you everyone for all the awesome comments and support!!!
@Jen – You will definitely get there!! Things are made even easier when you have the support of family and friends!
@Ann T – LOL oh yea, it was a slam the phone situation, ha. I’m so glad you are getting the attitude of not letting hair loss keep you locked away from the world. I don’t want women to let their hair loss run their life and ruin their life. When I’m old and gray and lying on my death bed I want to look back and know I appreciated the gift of life and lived it. That I didn’t piss it all away for my HAIR. I already did enough of that really. I think 13 years is sufficient enough of a life lost, and as Lina (who left a comment above )will say 25 years is definitely far too long. Don’t be us, essentially, waiting and waiting and missing out on the important things. We have to do what we have to do, to wrap our brains around this and move on.
@caseys – I think attitude and acceptance plays a huge role in how successful we are at our wig wearing, but it takes time. I think I’m approximately 4 1/2 months into this wig wearing venture now and along the way I’ve had plenty of F’d up days and I’m sure I’ll have more. But they get less and less as time as time goes on. And as the days pass I get better at wearing the hair and not have it wear me LOL. I also get less worried about people knowing and I realize, sh*t even on my VERY VERY worst wig wearing day it is still one billion times better than how I felt going out in my bio hair, so if someone figures it out with a keen eye when I’m out in the world, yay for them, they get the keen eye wig detection prize. Who cares. 🙂 I know the feeling of being resentful of having to wear it in the first place, but I had to give myself the “Guess what? life isn’t fair speech” and then tell myself I should be grateful I found this amazing solution and what I do from this point on is up to me. Behind door # 1 is a place of sadness, depression and loneliness and behind door # 2 is a LIFE – and what I do with it, is up to me. As far as the hurdles like skiing, I get it, I totally get it. I don’t ski but was very active in working out and have since abandoned that for the last 4 months because I somehow cannot wrap my brain around working out in my wig. I try, but haven’t been successful at accepting it fully and that I need to work on and AM working on. I know I’ll get there and so will you! But even with all that, I much prefer where I’m at today than before I got my wigs.
@cassy – Thank you! 🙂
@Angie T – It’s ALL about baby steps. Toppik is a great product, I’ve seen women work wonders with that stuff. I understand wanting to LIVE in your hair, it’s something that I’ve really wanted myself and was strongly considering bonding for what seemed like forever, however, I just wasn’t ready to make that commitment and I’m glad I at least started where I did, I can always go for the bond later, but I’m in no rush, I’m happy in wig wearing landia. 🙂 I’ve never heard of Virtuesse, but if it’s a hair integration system you live in, I’m guessing it’s something like the Reprieve system.. which many women have tried, liked and some women have used that as a step before bonding too. We go with whatever we are comfortable with and can life with. And here’s the wonderful thing, we have options! Integration, Wigs, Bonding.. oh my! I’m glad my posts are helping others to start thinking about their options and start living!
@Carey – Yes I’d say $60,000 could buy ALOT of wigs! I’m so glad you are excited to start looking into wearing wigs and getting back your life, and getting back something you may have been missing for awhile… YOU. You are at a super advantage with your hair stylist skills. You can strap your head to a mannequin, clamp the head to a table and pull out your tools and do up your girls to look SUPA SUPA fly. I have zero hair styling ability, I just wash them, hang them upside down and go eat cake. Sometimes when I’m feeling adventurous I get out a flat iron, but I don’t like to get too crazy ya know LOL. There is something important to keep in mind when you are going to see the Follea wigs, they are coming out of a bag and are very flat on top, after being washed and either hung upside down or styled, they come to life and the hair lays much better. I know that can throw some ladies off sometimes when they see my videos and pics and go try on the hair and think, what’s different? The only thing different is mine have been washed and Anya and Mila have have hair cuts and Tatiana will soon go in for her cut as well for some awesome face framing layers. When I get a new Follea I also have to keep that in mind and look past the temporary flat head 🙂 The wigs may also fall straight in your face like Cousin IT, again the wash and style or wash and hand upside down is needed. And lastly lets not forget the importance of actually getting a piece cut-in to a style that is personalized to us. I think the wigs also really come to life after a cut. Also pulling out some of your hairline and placing the wigs ever so sightly behind it.. makes all the difference. I can hear your strength Carey, and the fire in your belly! You sound wig ready! xoxo
Awesome post! Some years ago, I had a similar idea that this reminds me of — a hair funeral! I was going to collect all my falling hair, put it in a box and bury it in the back yard, with the hope that I could bury this situation once and for all and put it behind me. Never did it, but I may now. You know, losing your hair is a little like a death, there is a lot of grieving for a lost part of yourself, but like death, you can fight it off for a short while, but ultimately there is nothing you can do about it, just grieve and move on. Sometimes I look at war veterans and such, who have lost an arm, a leg, or perhaps both and somehow they keep on living. Unlike these lost limbs, hair really does not serve any useful function, rather it is the value and meaning we attach to it. We are really the only ones who can determine whether we will fall apart or keep going. Thank you for posting this.
Hooray for you Y! Great blog and what a great inspiration you are! We do get to the point where enough is enough! Where our wretched thinning and shedding bio hair has tortured us too long that it’s time to tell it goodbye and carry on. You make wearing hair look fun and joyful!! We need to get the word out on this that ‘wigs’ are no longer taboo nor something horrible and you are doing a wonderful job at this! Thank you and blessings Y 🙂
Hi Y!! Thank you so much for your inspiring and powerful posts. I have a random wig-wearing question: What do you do when you go shopping for clothes? I mean, in the fitting room — do you take off the wig – try on all the clothes without going outside to the larger mirror – get dressed/put wig back on OR just not wear the wig going shopping? I know – a trivial issue – but I thought of it last time I was in a dressing room trying some tops on.
My Follea appt in NYC didn’t go so well. they didnt ship the right wigs — I wanted to try the Lifestyle wigs – your Anya and Natalia – but they only sent Aeros. And the hair was falling right in my eyes/face and the cap size was too large I think because it looked poofed. So I left without anything but will probably try again as I get closer to ‘that point.’ You mentioned this is normal – that out of the box the wigs don’t look that great — but I find it tough to take that leap of faith that the wig will work because they are so costly. I want to KNOW it looks great before plunking down so much $$$!
Lastly – may I ask – your latest edition – Tatiana – is that the Follea Luxary wig or another Lifestyle? Are you getting any kind of discount/complimentary wigs from all the volume you’re sending their way? You absolutely SHOULD BE!!!
Thanks a million as always – you are such a positive inspiration.
Kim
@Beth S – Great points! I agree there is a grieving process when we loose are hair, and there just has to come a time where we give ourselves permission to move on. I still do have so many emotions associated with my hair loss and sometimes they come rushing up to the surface at the drop of the hat, it’s a smack in the face and reminder of how scarred I am from this frigging thing, like I wrote some earlier today, it’s PTHD (Post Traumatic Hair Loss Disorder) LOL but no matter what I have decided to longer be imprisoned by my hair, the shedding and loss.
@JenniferMarie – Thank you so much! Yes indeed the word needs to get out that wigs are no longer taboo or something just for little old ladies in rocking chairs 🙂
@Kim – I keep my wig on when I try clothes 🙂 I don’t take it off, it stays on fine when I put shirts on and of. I think perhaps a turtleneck might be challenging though LOL . I’m sorry to hear your Follea appointment didn’t go well, I know that must be really disappointing, especially if you wanted to see the Lifestyle wig and got the Aeros. The lifestyle wig is and all hand tied cap which I prefer, the Aero, is a hand tied lacefront and lace top with a machine wefted back, there is a difference in how the caps feel, and if the cap was too big that would definitely not be good. You’re right it is hard to take that leap if you don’t like it 100% before, I bought Natalia, sort of with the flat head look 🙂 and was just pleasantly surprised once I washed her. Tatiana, is the Luxury collection and Follea did give me Anya, which I talked about in a previous post. Don’t be discouraged, the wiggy hunt is a process and it can definitely take time to find the right girl for you.
XOXO
I have a comment for Kim. My first Follea try on didn’t go well either. I saw a rep not a a salon. I have a chin length bob and was hoping for a dark blonde topper or wig. She brought long length toppers in bright platinum blonde. She brought two wigs. One was dark plum, ELVIRA… And one nice wig that was in the color I liked, but it was all bunched up in the bag and looked a fright. They looked like Halloween wigs on me.
I went for a second try at a salon that was a further drive and it was worth it. He ordered dark blonde, light brown and in the right length. He also styled one of the wigs for me so that it looked nice and ready to go. He also showed me one of the wigs wet.
I wound up buying one of the pieces I tried. I think you should request the exact wig you are interested in. You should be able to try it before you buy it and request they clean it up before you get there so she doesn’t have bag head.
If the salon isn’t cooperative, call Follea. I called them and they bent over backwards to make sure I got what I needed.
Thanks so much Admin and Electra – really appreciate the responses! Will let you know how my next appointment goes.
Get this for a HL situation — right now is hair is shedding LIKE MAD for the 3rd time – 3rd massive shed – in 3 yrs and I’m about to do a round of IVF – In Vitro Fertilization – in 2 weeks – because my husband’s sperm do not swim – where they will shoot me full of hormones like a billion different hormones and shots and meds! I’m expecting its going to be like chemo as far as the hair goes. So as admin says, ‘wiglandia’ here I come.
xoxo
Wiglandia is not so bad…. You get to choose your hair in wiggoland 🙂
Wishing you a beautiful baby! Kids are a good distraction from the hair problems most of the time.
Y – I wanted to say that you are an amazing inspiration. From the depths of depression over my battle with hairloss, I’ve followed your journey and always felt a little bit less alone. You’ve given me the courage to realize that it’s time to start living again, therefore begins my wiggy search. So far I am not getting anywhere, but the search continues. I have to say I had high hopes for Follea and was mighty disappointed to learn they don’t have curly wigs. If I am to have any hope of passing this hair as real, which is important to me – and goddamit it is real if I am going to shell out this kind of money and take care of it – it needs to be curly. Do you know of any wigs similar to Follea in quality that are curly? Thank you again for being an amazing inspiration!
@N – Design by Flora (you can google it) makes human hair wigs in all shapes and sizes, toppers too. Her shops are in Teaneck, NJ and NYC. I’ve been to her shop in Teaneck and I was drooling over some of her long curly ones. No way I could pull it off tho. I got a shoulder-length layered one that’s wavy-ish, which I’m very happy with. My daughter, mother, sister, and everyone in between have not noticed (at least no one has said anything) that I was wearing it!! I’m not ready to tell anyone yet, but will do so once I’m fully wigified. Also, all of Flora’s wigs are wearable (washed & styled) right off the rack so they look great when you try them on.
@caseys – thank you, I heard of Flora and look at her website daily, just to drool over the amazing stuff she has. I am so glad to hear you are happy with your new hair! Do you have the illusion fall? Problem is that Teaneck/NYC is a good 5 hour drive from me. I would have already gone there if that wasn’t the case, but logistics of doing this and leaving my young son for a weekend just don’t align. For some reason I am reluctant to just order something this important and this expensive sight unseen. I know people do it, it just scares me…but my bio hair is so awful, I might just have to pull the trigger soon.
@N – My hairloss is at a point where I could have used an illusion fall. Actually, Flora didn’t even want to show me full wigs since she didn’t think I needed one. Anyway, I tried a fall on and it was jaw-dropping amazing. However, they clip in and I don’t think my hair could handle the pressure for very long. I was tempted though because they’re more comfortable than a full wig but they cost just as much!!! What if I can’t use clips anymore 6 months from now? I figured if I’m going to invest in something like this I need to know I can use it for as long as I possible, so I got a full wig.
I know what you mean about buying site unseen. I couldn’t do it either and I feel fortunate to have a reputable shop like Flora’s near by. I think it’s crucial to go somewhere to try things on. You, like me, have hard to match hair (mine’s very wavy – borderline curly) and it was super important for me to have a piece that matched my bio hair as closely as possible. That’s so hard to do online. The waves in my “new” hair closely match my bio hair when I blow it out. And the color couldn’t be any more spot-on.
I only live about eight miles from Teaneck, NJ and have never heard of Flora’s but am definitely going to check it out.